Why So Scared?

I was at the barn this earlier week and a friend asked me “When are you going to do a post about being a nervous rider?”

I considered this for a couple days because the more i thought about it, the more I realized it isn’t a subject I can talk about in just one post.

It’s not a simple question in my mind.

For me personally, Its a Little confusing as to why I can be nervous.

Here’s why…

When I was 12 I was riding this cute grey pony called Monty, he was 14.2 and new to the barn. A couple friends and I were going off on a hack around the local village, there was a long bridal path along the way. The plan was to take a nice relaxing canter along said path.

The day was dry, probably grey because I remember wearing my 1990s style puffer equestrian coat (I LOVED that coat - I tried to dig out a photo but couldn't find one. It was purple and PUFFY)

This was the day, we found out that Monty did not like being at the back of the line. We had walked for about fifteen minutes through the village, up a hill called Bricky Hill, through the housing estate and we made it to the bridal path that was easily 3km long and perfectly straight.  

We began our canter along the grassy verge. I was at the back of the line, I enjoyed being at the back so I could watch and see everyone else’s rides. Being at the front wasn’t as fun for me.

Monty, however, had a differing opinion to me.

Monty whipped out to the side and galloped past the group of calm, relaxed ponies. I can recall the sound of the wind in my ears, the noise of his hoof beats getting faster, mud flicking up around me, and the sight of his neck going flatter - at that point, my 12 year old brain had not seen what it looks like when a horse flat out gallops.

My 12 year old brain LOVED it.

I recall the moment of ‘Oh, crap!” I recall the speed change. I recall taking a peek to the side to see my friend notice me passing her by.

And then I vividly remember thinking ‘This is AMAZING!”

I had gone for ‘gallops’ with friends, I had gone around a cross country course at this point -  while in control.

This was very much not within my control.

The pony bolted on me. The pony was naughty - Quite dangerous too. And I loved it. I let him go to the front, in fact at that point, i encouraged it.

After a moment more we all slowed and Laughed and laughed all the way home as young girls do.

IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME NOW? Insert ‘nope’ expression

Now, I have this entire inner monologue about such a thing happening to me.

Why?

It’s not as if I had a horrific experience with a horse bolting. In fact its one of my favorite 'pony' moments, I had so much fun that day.

But now, as an older rider, my mind can’t stop telling me that something like that may/might/could happen.

So, why does that terrify me now?

Why do I sometimes get in my horse and have to ignore my thoughts and ride with a gut full of anxiety?

Why do I sometimes have to fight with the fear and force myself to do something new - a hack, a jump, ride when its windy, ride when the rain is falling on the arena roof - RIDE when sometimes i could be sick with nerves.

And that's why talking about being a nervous rider is not simple. I actually believe that nothing to do with horse riding has given me this nervousness.

I actually believe that my nerves come from life.

There are people that have had awful falls resulting in breaks and other injuries. I can absolutely see how that results in a fear. That's for another post.

But today i’m talking about that gut feeling, that sick fear that seems to strike from nowhere. It’s something as a mature rider I am frustrated with. It almost holds me back sometimes.

I saw a wonderful quote just this week , It read: “Sometimes the fear won’t go away. So you’ll just have to do it afraid.”

My coach said she learned a long time ago to just turn off her emotions when shes in a scary situation - I personally feel like this is impossible for me. But I do try to ignore them.

And that’s what i do, I ignore them like my mind is throwing a tantrum at the supermarket because she wants some candy, and i am just walking past the candy, ignoring the screams for attention...Nothing to fear here... Nothing to fear here...

Nope, that's not an uncomfortable adrenaline rush - NOPE!

And always, always, after my ride I feel so much better. I don’t know if this will ever change. I don’t know if this feeling, this irrational fear, will ever go fully.

I do know that over the last year, working with my horse Moose, I have definitely felt the feeling lessen. Every time I get on and ignore that feeling of dread, I have proven my fear wrong.

I will not let it control me. I will not let it put me off riding.

Fear or none - I am an equestrian.

I would love to hear your experiences with this, and how you deal with it...

Trail Riding With My Daughter.