What if...What if...



I was in my coaching session the other day and Moose was being very spooky. Moose is going through a teenage phase of his training and is
overthinking everything - especially if we work in the arena - I am certain he/ we  will get through it. In the meantime,
I have to pull up my big girl pants and deal with it quietly and confidently…

Except, this was the week anxiety decided to come visiting.

Have you ever been in a coaching session and your horse is being opinionated and silly and you are trying to
ride forward, sit straight, carry your hands - closed firm hands, soft arms, heels down, leg on and SIT BACK,
and yet while all this is happening, you have tears falling down your face?
I have.

I don't think i'm alone either.

Equestrians are strong, formidable and downright stubborn. We have wells of grit and determination - if we didn’t,
we would never have got back on that first time we sat in dirt after a buck.
We would never have been the only teenagers awake at 6am ready to get grubby and filthy for a small rosette.
We would never
have tried to carry that bucket full of water a second time after the first one nearly pulled your arm out the socket when you were ten - fast forward
to being twenty and being able to carry two buckets at a time, twenty times in a row - never spilling a  drop!
We break bones and just feel irritated by the cast and time off.
We go out in all temperatures and weather just to be with our beautiful beasts.

We are a special breed, i'm sure all sports have them, but in the equestrian world, I love how strong minded everyone is.

And that’s why I hate when my anxiety strikes. I take it as a personal fail. I know i shouldn't, but i do.

There is no knowing when my anxiety will hit. There is no knowing for how long either.
Anxiety bubbles up from within and can completely ruin your day, your week, your sleep - it can bleed into everything - especially your horse life
.
For me the anxiety never stays, it always - so far - has left me alone again to function normally and freely without that yucky, sticky feeling inside my gut.

I have learned to look inside and find that sticky, icky feeling and push it out - with better eating, positive thoughts,
 writing and being around good people who like to laugh out loud and talk.

So, here I am in a coaching session, I have my coach calling out instructions as Moose decides to deek away from the
wall for the tenth time. It’s not anything I haven’t ridden before with a cool, calm attitude, but today inside i am shaking,
i feel sick and I feel like I have lost all control.

It is at this point when my coach asks if i’m ok.
I answer “No” but I continue on anyway.

I do not enjoy my ride, I do not feel happy after, in fact I feel like I let Moose down and my coach down and I leave the barn feeling low.

This bleeds into my mood all night. I talk/text it out to people I trust with this information. I Overthink everything - what if I ruin Moose?
What if I never can ride him the way he deserves? What if this gets worse? What if… What if?

And then I realize Anxiety had me in a choke hold.

I sit back, I write out my worries and try to think, one bad week, three hard rides mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

When I went to the barn the next day, I tacked up Moose, made sure there were friends around, and for all intents and purpose I had a fairly good ride.
I expected nothing from Moose nor myself, i just got on and rode, what we did would not win anything in a dressage test, LOL But I got on,
Moose seemed chill and I went home feeling a little lighter than the day before.

Apparently Moose was not ruined…

The next day, the sun was shining and it was not bitterly cold surprisingly, so I went for a ride outside.
As I was riding I felt my tension drop away with every step Moose made.
I watched as his head lowered, and lowered, I felt him relax too. The fresh air lifted the corners of my lips into a smile and I think
I breathed properly for the first time in days.

We are a team and my anxiety was flowing into him. My tension was adding to his.
Taking the pressure off him and just taking a fresh air walk was what I needed and It seemed it was what he did too.

My takeaway.
There are good days and bad days. There are great rides and not so great ones.
There are days I will feel like tackling issues and days I will just add to them.
I am an equestrian for life. Moose is with me for his forever - we have time -
its ok to slow it all down and focus on confidence, fun and being a team.

And breathe xx

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